January 10th, 2025

10 days into the new year and I finally finished creating my new diary, though I'm not sure if I love the theme for it yet. I used images from Read Or Die because I want to restrict myself to using graphics from media that I'm actually familiar with, and I also miss Yomiko and Nancy very much. As for how pink and cutesy this page (and the rest of my site) is, I'm starting to lose interest in it. I feel like this sort of design is mostly easy to replicate because there are so many resources online + other sites with this sort of theme, so I haven't messed around enough with other styles that really interest me. I really do like cute things, but I like things that are unconventional and have a lot of depth to them even more. I'm really interested in sites that might be bare but have a lot of written content and sites that are also completely cluttered with original graphics and information. Sites that are weird and artsy and almost feel disconnected from what you're used to seeing. Or something like that? I'm not really sure, especially since I haven't come across enough websites or artists in general that get this sort of visceral reaction out of me.

I'll probably keep sticking with this cute theme until I can figure something out. I don't want to say that this website's design has just been "fake" this whole time or something because I don't even hate it for what it is (even if it probably blends in with a lot of "pink sites"), I just don't know how to be as genuine as I want, or I don't know how to feel like I'm being genuine. Does that make sense? At least the nice thing about making my own website is that I can make any page look however I want, so all of this isn't really a big issue. I want to at least start creating my own art and patterns because I feel a little weird using graphics that I pull from other places online, even though that's what everyone else does.

Besides all of that, I want to start working on my "review" page, and then I can take a break from designing things. I say it a lot, but I really want to get into writing, which is probably the hobby I've always struggled with the most. I can code for multiple hours a day for 10 days straight, but I've been staring at the prompts on my Muse page and haven't been bothered to write anything yet. I'm going to look more into how to get into this hobby and try finding some inspiration since I keep getting stuck.

Listening to: Ryuuuu - Secret (cover)

This has been one of my favorite songs for almost a decade. I used to be obsessed with "choir covers", but some of the ones I listened to have been removed from YouTube. I have the MP3 file of this one downloaded so that I never lose it.

January 20th, 2025

Last week wasn't that great, though I'd rather write about it in my journal than share it for anyone to see. I at least had a nice weekend, which was when I noticed that I reached 100 followers on Neocities. 100! I knew it wasn't impossible, I just didn't expect to reach that milestone so soon since I wasn't trying to. I view Neocities more as a webhosting source than a social media platform, and even if I cared more, I know some of the numbers are inaccurate (such as Neocities's view counter compared to other stat trackers). Still, it seems as though 100+ real people chose to follow me, and that's a lot...!

I recently read somewhere that a lot of users don't look past the first page before deciding to follow someone, and that might be true. I admittedly haven't looked through every page on my favorite sites, but I at least read enough to get an understanding of what I'm bookmarking. I think I could understand those who love or are inspired by the appearance of my own site, but what I care more about than the designing aspect is how I've been getting more into writing. I'm mostly making this just for myself, but I appreciate anyone that finds any meaning for the things that I put out into this world and the next. I'm not sure how to celebrate this milestone or if I even should! The new homepage was coincidental, so I could leave it at that, or maybe I could do some sort of write-up, or something like that. I meant to make this site 100% static but kept adding new things to the already existing homepage, so I'm going to be working on that + small things on the side.

Take care!

Listening to: Monochrome Factor ED - AWAKE ~Boku no Subete~

Anime Ending Version + Full Version

For the time being, this is my favorite anime song ever, and it's also been my favorite song in general. I love the visuals for the ending credits, and the full version of the song is even more enjoyable.

January 26th, 2025

In an effort to socially stay in touch with others, I spent this weekend going through various blogs/forums and having brief chats with a few friends. I'm trying to catch up on blog entries and reviews from sites that I like since I hadn't been following along with all of the updates in my timeline on Neocities. Or I followed/bookmarked sites to check out later but then forgot about. I'm always interested in reading about other people living their own life and how similar or different it is from mine. I've been considering writing to a few webmistresses about their articles/reviews as a way to connect with others, although I'm still really shy...

I've been wanting to meet more people, but I would also be okay with not making any more friends since I've been becoming more comfortable with not talking to others as much as before, and I'm still not entirely alone. I'm kind of embarrassed that I now spend more time thinking about a fictional character than interacting with others, but he makes me happy, and that's all that matters! I already wrote a bit about it in my media log, and I've only been developing more feelings for him every day. I'm trying to hold myself back from getting more serious (extreme) about it because I keep having those "what if this is just a phase" thoughts, but when I read through threads of girls gushing about their husbandos and waifus, I end up relating to a lot of them and get weirdly affectionate about my own anime crush. I've been drawing a lot more because of him, and it's been fun daydreaming about random ideas and scenarios.

I feel kind of guilty for emotionally relying on my anime crush these past few days, but he probably wouldn't mind it. I've been bummed out because of some issues I've been having with my physical health, and they've only gotten worse. I've been blaming myself for one of my issues getting to the point that it's at now, but I want to believe that it could just be genetics or something. My condition is irreparable unless I have a grafting surgery done that would cost hundreds (thousands?) of dollars... Agh! I'm at least thankful that I have an appointment in just a few days, but I'm worried that I'm going to be reprimanded by the dentists for things that they've already told me before. Oh well!

I'm not sure how to conclude this entry. It might have seemed weird, or maybe I only think that because I wrote most of this before going to bed. Take care, everyone!

Listening to: Function - Love Addiction

I discovered this song from a video comparing Vocaloids to their voice providers and immediately fell in love!

January 30th, 2025

A "quick" entry because I want to be finished with this site update, but I finished my new homepage. Again! Although I'll probably keep making adjustments, it won't change drastically like how it had been many times before. I want to be able to encapsulate what I feel is Sunfish Dreamworld, and I'd like to think that I'm getting closer to that with each update.

Some notable changes: This site isn't compatible with mobile anymore because I found it annoying how I had to worry about two layouts instead of just one. Making the change wasn't as difficult as I thought. I was already slowly working on a section dedicated to digital cliques, but it's now completed with many additions that were fun to put together (besides styling the self-insert widget, but I'm happy with the results). Most of the graphics for my site come from this section because I want to restrict myself with how many of them I use, especially if I'm just pulling them all from the internet.

I spent this entire month mostly focusing on my website, and even though this is something I could work on forever, I have other things I want to get into! Those other things mostly being arts and crafts. I'll probably still regularly update this site because I can't help myself, and I want to at least share a couple of my plans with anyone that might be interested.

So, I've been wanting to make a shrine for Shirogane ever since I noticed myself being concerningly obsessed with him. I wondered if it was "controversial" for me to do so considering I haven't finished the anime he's from yet or touched the other entries to the series + still having the fear that this is just a phase, but I still have a lot of feelings for him. I also considered making "webmistress" a separate page and using all of the buttons/stamps from the old version for a "graphics" tab on the homepage (or something). I realized that the current "webmistress" page doesn't really tell a lot about me besides a table of my interests, but that serves its purpose + I'd need to decide how much I want to share about myself if I did expand on it.

I've been having a hard time coming up with compelling conclusions for my entries lately, but I probably wouldn't need one for something like this. Still, I always want to say my thanks to everyone that reads through this page. I hope you all take care!

Listening to:Monochrome Factor ED - AWAKE ~Boku no Subete~

I still listen to this song every day since first mentioning it here, but I very recently discovered the solo versions for Akira (Daisuke Ono) and Kengo (Hiroshi Kamiya) that I've been really enjoying.

February 4th-5th, 2025

A very, very long entry about all of the media I've been into recently.

I went to the library with my family today. I considered not checking any books out because I felt a little guilty for how long it took me to return my books, even though this library is extremely generous about that sort of thing. I ended up checking out 6 books, and I'm hoping to finish (most of) them before I have to return them all.

A list of the books I checked out. They're mostly descriptions for why I picked them instead of what they're actually about, but I guess that isn't really an issue since all of the synopses are online.

"Moshi Moshi" by Banana Yoshimoto - This was part of the collection of books I checked out during my last trip to the library, but I was able to renew my hold on it. I just finished "The Lake" a few nights ago, and just from reading the first couple of pages of "Moshi Moshi", I feel like this will be another Banana Yoshimoto book that I like.

"Kitchen" by Banana Yoshimoto - I already read this one back in October, but I wanted to read it again (or at least skim through it) because I really enjoyed this story. This was the first Banana Yoshimoto book I read, and I adore her writing style so much!

One book that I got from the children's section (for some reason) is some sort of guide for how to handle tragedies in the news. I think this one intrigued me so much because I just never thought of the possibility of a book like this existing, and I was really curious about what the advice would be. I'm not sure if my perspective of the world is going to change too much from it, but it doesn't hurt to read it.

"KIELI" (volume 1&2) by Yukako Kabei - I'm always so amused by the manga section at the library I go to. There are some recent releases, like The Apothecary Diaries, but most of the section feels like a time capsule. I don't think this library gets too many donations, but I feel like I always discover a "new" manga every time I look through them all. I've never heard of "KIELI" before, but I love the cover art for both of the books, and the synopsis made me a little curious.

"Strike the Zither" by Joan He - Every time I go over to the young adult section, I always see "Sound the Gong" on the display shelf, and at this point, I've been intrigued by it for months now. The cover illustration is just so captivating to me, but I've been too intimidated to check it out because 1, the book is part of a duology, and I don't think I've ever read a book series (excluding children's books), and 2, it's a wuxia, which is a genre I'm not really familiar with. I've tried and failed a couple of times to get through my copy of Heaven Official's Blessing/TGCF, although the second season of the anime made more sense to me than the first season, and maybe I could go back to the book with more understanding. Anyway, I'm a little nervous that I'm going to have a hard time reading "Strike the Zither", but I'll at least try to read the first few chapters.

I could end this entry here, but there is other media that I really want to write about before I forget. It seems as though everything I've been watching and reading for the past few days has left an impression on me! I guess I could technically have all of this in my media log, but I predict I'd get too carried away with writing out entire reviews when I already have other things I want to work on.

So, I finished reading the manga adaptation of No. 6, and even though I didn't really care for the conflict of the story, Shion and especially Nozumi are really compelling characters to me. I watched the anime all in one night a few years ago, so there were some points where I couldn't tell if the anime didn't adapt something or if my memory of it all is blurry. Near the end of the story, I knew that there were definitely a few parts that the anime excluded/changed, and I can't really wrap my head around why these changes were made. Nozumi seemed to struggle with his vulnerability a lot more in the manga, and Shion seems more like a tragic character. I also just thought that some of the dialogue/monologue was beautifully written and will probably stick with me for a while.

I read a couple of chapters of Let Dai. I'm not sure if I'll continue it because the scans are really bad + I'm not sure if I'm into the plot yet, but the art and writing style is also beautiful to me. I was trying to think of how to describe the manga to someone, and I ended up comparing it to Banana Fish/Poem of Wind and Trees, and then I thought about Poem of Wind and Trees, and then I got sad. I've watched the movie a couple of times and tried reading the manga, but it's such a heavy story. My heart hurts for Gilbert and Serge... It's a difficult read for me, but I appreciate it for inspiring other tragic BL stories.

After 3 months, I finally finished reading "The Lake" by Banana Yoshimoto. I'm not sure if this is how I really feel or if it's just an excuse, but part of the reason why I had a hard time picking up the book was because I thought the cover was so visually unappealing. It's not even ugly, it just doesn't say anything to me. The story itself wasn't bad at all. I thought I would like it more than Kitchen since I had more in common with the main character, Chihiro, because of her background and her thought process/beliefs. I told my friend, "I think the reason why I read Kitchen somewhat quickly while it took me 3 months to finish The Lake [is because...] Kitchen feels really pleasant. There is so much kindness (and warmth) that comes from all of the characters, and it felt "real". The Lake feels "real" too, but more in the way that people are mysterious, the world can be cruel but sometimes there are nice things in it that can be found, things like that."

I might have to buy my own copy of the book because there are some parts of it that strongly resonated with me. The way that Nakajima's childhood trauma affected him and the way that Chihiro struggled to understand or approach it was probably what resonated with me the most because I've never really seen these struggles expressed so deeply in a story before. One part that highlights both of the characters' traits is from the "sex" scene near the beginning of the book. I'm not sure if I would say it made me "emotional" since I associate that word with overwhelming emotions of sadness; I thought that the way it was portrayed was so unique to me that I felt especially compelled by it. Sometimes, "sex" is awkward, so awkward that you don't even get to the stage of removing your clothes. Sometimes, it doesn't feel necessary. Sometimes, it doesn't even feel right. Sometimes, it has a heavy air of sadness to it. That's essentially how it was expressed in the book, or that's at least my takeaway from it.

I've been wanting to get into live action movies for the longest time, but I always struggle to pick one out and sit through all of it. I always seem to describe this issue I have to people as if it's some sort of sickness even though it's not that serious at all. Lol! Anyway, I sorted my watchlist by duration time and found that My Broken Mariko was one of the first few movies to appear. I've already read the manga a few times and it's one that's stuck with me over the years. I thought watching the movie wouldn't be an issue because of that, but then I remembered how I tried watching the live action adaptation for Princess Jellyfish a couple of months ago and didn't like it that much (completely different stories, but having a bad first experience for this sort of thing kind of put me off). I ended up watching the first 20 minutes of My Broken Mariko, and I think I'm going to like it. I had to pause it because it was already late when I started it, and I want to save it for a day when I don't have any distractions.

I really like how the movie went about portraying Shiino and the pacing of it all. The manga is such an experience with how expressive the art style is and how chaotic Shiino acts, and for me, it feels like I'm being rushed and dragged along by her, and that's not a bad thing. I kind of got a different impression from how the movie started, but it's an impression I liked. Shiino not speaking for the first few minutes after hearing Mariko's name on the news, her hands trembling more and more as she texts Mariko in hopes for a response, how she goes about the rest of her day in shock... The "quietness" of it all is kind of intense, like there was something inside of Shiino that was gradually building up until she snapped, which made the confrontation with Mariko's abusive dad feel more heavy to me than in the manga. I also thought that the flashbacks with Shiino and Mariko as kids/teens were done really well. I paused the movie right where Shiino runs away with Mariko's urn, but I really want to pick it up again as soon as I can.

One last thing! I've still been watching Monochrome Factor (albeit very slowly). I need to catch up on my liveblog over on my media log page. These last few episodes have been crazy! I got especially emotional from episode 13, and I feel kind of bad for subjecting a few of my friends to my fangirling. ^^; Words can't describe how amazed I was by the new ending theme. It made my heart swell up with all of the references to the first ending theme + Shirogane's voice actor now singing it + the new version of the song is so elegant. It's a really uplifting song for me, not in just a happy way, but in a "life can be beautiful" way. Or something. I feel really passionate about this series, but I could see how this could come off as being dramatic. Lol!

On the topic of Monochrome Factor (if you read the previous paragraph), I've been working on my shrine for Shirogane (even though I should be doing other things). I want to try finishing it on time for Valentine's Day (for obvious reasons), and it's been a lot of fun putting it together. One of the reasons why I started working on it when I did was because I recently read something online that has been on my mind. It was someone's perspective on yumejoshi "culture", and most of it was described in a negative way. I wasn't sure if I should mention it on my blog because I don't have any ill intent to criticize something, especially when it was someone's personal experiences/opinions. I guess it's more like I thought the person brought up a lot of interesting points that I never put a lot of thought into, so I've been exploring my feelings to figure out what my opinions are. In a way, I kind of appreciate reading viewpoints that I didn't strongly relate to but could understand. I have a section for my shrine dedicated to information/resources and considered having another section for offering different perspectives to the "controversies" behind being obsessed with fictional characters, but maybe that's not necessary at all? I don't know how many people that view my site are a part of this community (and how many of them have read this far), so I guess if this interests anyone, I might consider expanding on this.

I have a lot more I could get into, but this entry has to end at some point! There'll probably be another update this weekend since I'm almost done with a writing prompt for my Muse page + other things I want to work on. I wish I could give a gift to everyone that reads all/most of the content on this page to show my appreciation. Lol!

Listening to: Monochrome Factor ED 2 - Dark & Light

I already wrote about this song a few paragraphs ago. Junichi Suwabe sounds so lovely!

February 20th, 2025

Overview: new laptop, random thoughts, commissions, Anilist, shrine update

It was probably unwise of me to say I would have an update for today knowing I had work, but I wanted to get this done sooner rather than later. I added an overview so that if anyone is interested in any of those topics, they could just skip to it.

My new laptop arrived yesterday and I haven't had a chance to properly use it until now. I still feel kind of bad for breaking my previous laptop, but I've been trying to justify it since I already had it for years, and I bought this one with my own money, and blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, I already feel like I'll like this new laptop, I just have to get used to some changes. I was kind of worried since I was buying from a company I never heard of before (Nimo), but their laptops seem to be decent quality + they supposedly have great customer service.

I've had a lot on my mind this past month. I'm not really sure how to explain it or how much I should say. I have this thing where I feel like I have to atone for my purchases, so then I feel guilty if I'm not doing anything to make up for my spendings, even though I'm using my own money. I have a job, but I wouldn't say I have much of a disposable income, or I at least try not to spend much on myself. I enjoy the job that I have, but since it's based on location, and since I live in such a rural area, I can't get a lot of hours, meaning I don't make a lot of money. I originally imagined that I would use this as an opportunity to make money in other ways, but I haven't started anything in the past year. I want to believe that right now is the perfect time where I can (and really should) try some side gigs. I was into cross-stitching for a bit and later fell out of it, but if I'm able to set up my cross-stitches in my mom's booths, then I think I could get back into it (as well as other crafts). I've always daydreamed of doing art commissions but never made any effort to get into drawing seriously and setting things up, so I've been doing some research. I signed back into my Cashapp account, and I really don't want to use Paypal, but that seems to be the most popular option with everyone. Boohoo. I at least found some sort of work-around for allowing people to pay me with Paypal without my personal information being displayed, but I haven't tested it out yet. I don't want to get ahead of myself with all of this payment option planning since I still don't think my art is commission-worthy. I'm not really sure how long it will take me to improve since I have little-to-no experience with digital art (aside from drawing on my phone with my fingers) + I don't remember the last time I made a drawing that wasn't just a sketch, but I'm trying to have some faith in myself.

February hasn't been going how I thought it would, but I don't mind too much. I've noticed that a lot of my feelings and beliefs have been changing these past few months, and I wonder if this is some sort of important moment in my life— or maybe I only feel that way because my birthday is coming up next week. I've distanced myself from some people and don't get too personal in conversations anymore, and I'm kind of happier with things like this. I felt kind of guilty at first for how drastically my preferences in socialization changed, but when I thought more about it, I realized that this is probably just the type of person I've always been. Without going too in depth, I didn't have a personal friendship until I was in middle school— not because I was all alone, but because I just always talked to other kids my age without ever getting close to them. When I did eventually become close friends with some girls in my school, it wouldn't take long before I distanced myself because something was "off", even if I didn't really know why I felt that way (especially if whoever I was friends with didn't do anything horribly wrong). I thought maybe this was just something I would grow out of as a kid, but considering I still do this, I'm reconsidering how I approach friendships now. I might know why I'm like this, but I feel like if I tried explaining my beliefs, it wouldn't make a lot of sense and could even be misinterpreted. I guess it is just a preference.

While I was off of Neocities for a few weeks, I spent a lot of time on Anilist. I'm already on it a lot since I try to read manga every day and use the site to track my activity, but I got back into participating in forum games and have interacted with a lot of interesting users. I also updated my profile bio for the first time in a while to make it more appealing to myself (and others, I guess). The global feed is the closest I will be to experiencing "social media", and a majority of the posts are just sooo uninteresting. A lot of unfunny people just use it like it's Twitter or whatever (sometimes I block the especially annoying users LOL), and I struggled to find people that I could actually interact with. I should have tried out forum games sooner since it's really fun having Thought-Provoking Conversations with Like-Minded People. About 10-15 people followed me within a few days, and I'm really happy that most of them were other girls with similar interests as me. I've even been checking out more manga and anime because of these interactions. Yay. Before Anilist, I tried getting my social "interactions" and entertainment by scrolling through other forums for hobbies that I'm into, but I've read through enough to the point that it feels like a waste of time (mostly because the same uninteresting topics get brought up over and over).

I still chat with my friends on Discord, mostly about anime and manga— also known as: mostly about the anime and manga I've been into— also known as: mostly about my favorite character. I'm so relieved to have access to my Shirogane shrine again, which I initially planned to finish and upload for Valentine's Day. I obviously wasn't able to do that, so I'm waiting to upload the shrine on my birthday instead. I'm not worried about my love for him being "just a phase" anymore considering he's still on my mind. I was working on my site a lot until I was forced to stop, so I hope I can get back into it, but not too much? I was working on it almost daily, and maybe that's cool, but it made me feel a little bad since I thought I could have been doing more productive things.

Thank you to anyone who followed along with my updates on Neocities (even though I wasn't gone from my site for that long) and to anyone that read some/all of this entry. Take care.

Listening to:Monochrome Factor ED 2 - Dark & Light (Shirogane solo ver.)

Can you believe that I've listened to this song 110 times within the past 18 days.